When Commando is King

Never let them see you brush your teeth.

Though the Commando creed is “Do as much as you can, as often as you can,” there are some vital exceptions, whereby keeping Mom doing certain things for you means keeping her in a subservient role, and shortening the time until you are promoted and take over basecamp as Commander.

Take getting ready for bed…please! Commandos don’t want any part of it. Baths are like torture, and washing one’s own self like forced cleanicide.

Every Commando should take note that the supersonic soundwaves emitted from his or her oral cavity are about 50 times as loud when bouncing off a porcelain bathtub, thereby rendering Mom deaf and immobilized—the perfect time for water artillery maneuvers (note to self, thank Grandma for the squirting whale toy, and dad for the squirt gun). In any case, the scream was justified, since Mom did, in fact, get one drop of water in your face while rinsing your hair, thereby violating the Geneva bath convention.

Now that the Commando has been released early from the tub, a little air-drying run through camp is always entertaining, and serves to postpone the donning of nightgear as mom tries to catch up to you to tell you to put on pajamas (good opportunity here to practice the battle skill of selective hearing, which will become even more important when you grow up and get married).

Putting on one’s own pajamas? The longer the smart Commando takes to find a clean pair of underwear, the longer the Commando stays up. If you’re lucky, you’ll be permitted after much cajoling, to go Commando if you’ll just PLEASE PUT YOUR PANTS ON!

But, the coup de grace, of course is teeth brushing—or the lack of. Remember, if you will, an early Commando lesson…

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:end shameless plug.

…that describes how the Commando should never voluntarily open the mouth, a vital skill for hiding contraband objects and forbidden food after a no-no raiding party. It also applies to opening up the mouth to let adults—moms, doctors, or dentists—put anything unpleasant, noisy, or un-candy-like, into said mouth.

After mom has to force the Commando to open up and get the teeth brushed, she will likely be feeling guilty enough to offer a post-battle snack, or rocking chair storytime. If so, pick a loooong book, and be sure to demand a second reading, thereby delaying lights out further, and dominating completely mom’s evening.

It’s great to be King.