Vacation maneuvers

Okay, Commandos, having Mom home for a little extra “cuddle time” this week doesn’t mean you should rest on your sixes and get all squishy from eating candy canes.

A Commando must always take advantage of sugar-fueled energy bursts and rare opportunities to stay up late to practice some advanced maneuvers at home base.

Following are a few readily executable vacation drills that will keep you—and Mom—ready for action.*

Fox hole construction drill

Remove all the blankets from Mom’s bed, pile them up on top of an empty laundry basket (if the basket is full of clean, folded laundry, be sure to dump it out first), and hide a cache of weaponry and plush infantrymen inside.

Efforts should be made to complete this maneuver as quickly as possible, as the fox hole could otherwise be reverted to bedding for naptime if Mom catches you.

Unfriendly territory drill

This New Year’s maneuver will give you practice creating unfriendly territory to turn back threats to your monopoly on Mom’s time (aka visitors), and will give Mom good practice with a search and rescue mission on the front lines.

To execute: Wait until Mom is slightly distracted—well, deluded—into thinking she can read for 10 minutes. While she’s preoccupied, take out all of your toys, old and new. Place randomly on floor, on stairs, in bedroom, draped over lamps.

Dress up in your sheriff’s outfit, and as sweetly as you can, ask the distracted commander if you can “borrow” her keys to lock up some bad guys. Trust me, she can’t resist a commando in sheriff’s clothing—she’ll even put the keys on your belt for you.

Lock up the bad guys, then hide the keys under your blanket so the bad guys can’t escape.

Forget where you put the keys.

Be sure to do this drill vigorously, because you’ll only get one shot at it!


Stare-down drill

Sometimes it’s important to take a few minutes to test the strength of Mom’s resolve, just to see if she’s ready to hand over command of the camp yet.

To put on the stare-down pose, place hands on hips, furrow brows, and purse lips into a small, tight line.

To put on the stare-down mentality, think of all the things Mom has not executed properly over the course of the vacation: she gave you pajamas for Christmas (high treason!); she cooked your ham too brown for breakfast this morning (she’s trying to poison you!); and when she took you roller skating for your first time, you fell on your bottom—hard (she should have broken your fall with her own body)! These things would not have happened if you were in charge!

Take that resolve and that pose, and stare Mom right in her unfit commander eyes at the end of a long day.

If she doesn’t break her return stare readily, repeat the following mantra over and over until she does: You’re a bad mommy. I don’t love you.

Practice this drill enough, and you’ll soon be either running the show while Mom lets Calgon take her away, or you’ll have found a new way to hit the racks early.

If you get sent to bed early, you’ll still have won, when Mom tries to go out for a drink, and has no idea whatsoever where her keys are.

*These maneuvers have been personally tested at Camp Gustafson this week. This does not mean they have been deemed “safe,” but they have been deemed doable. The commando kid motto is “Do as much as you can, as often as you can.”