Commando Rations

Once a Commando kid reaches a certain age and rank, it becomes clear the importance of selecting the proper fuel sources to power the Commando through a day filled with physical training, artillery inspections, and naptime avoidance drills.

Sugar, candy, and sucrose are by far the three most important high-burning energy sources available, with peanut butter and hot dogs following along behind (hot dogs just taste good and give a Commando access to ketchup, which is a great small munition and full of sugar, too).

Unfortunately, the Mom tends to ration the grade A fuel, and at times it seems the cagey Commander might even be saving some for herself to power herself through long nights of clearing away the casualties of military drills: highly camouflaged fatigues, plush comrades sacrificed in air raids, and small munitions control.

There are several ways that a Commando can improve access to the snack food cache:

1. Accompany the Commander on restocking missions. To get more sugar, it helps to go straight to the source—the grocery store. Once in the store, commence whining drills and she’ll give you at least one pick of snack, and perhaps even let you open it in the store. Of course, the more you whine, the more snacks you’ll get—up to a point. There’s always the danger of the mission being aborted it the Commando pushes too hard. Note: If a Commando accompanies Dad on such a mission, whining won’t be necessary—just point and grunt.
2. Eat a vegetable at dinner. Sounds counter to the mission, but eating a vegetable opens the door for Commando rationale, i.e. “I ate one of my green beans, so I can have dessert, right?” The Commander will be so confused that her young charge ate something green voluntarily, the logic will make sense.
3. Reach for the stars—settle for a moon pie. While it’s true that a Commando can’t get everything and win every battle, (sad, sad, but true) artful compromise can be achieved by aiming high—say, demanding that Mom go out and buy a Happy Meal, or else you’ll truly starve to death. Though she likely won’t go out at 9 p.m. to buy the Happy Meal, she will likely offer you everything else under the sun to ensure that you don’t starve to death (especially if you can manage to throw in a little hyperventilation).
4. Turn on the charm. The Commander can’t resist a sweet face telling her what a pretty mommy she is, even if she’s usually a tough-as-nails drill seargent. Commandos, though vigorous, can master the finer points of getting what they want with finesse. 
   
5. Go ballistic. Where reasoning sometimes fails, sometimes acting out wins. If there’s one thing the Commando knows, it’s how to get noticed and how to keep Mom from getting anything done until the object of desire is obtained. Is this blackmail? Maybe, but then again, is it “right” for Mom to bribe the Commando with candy for a little time off with good behavior? It’s a moral tradeoff.

Remember, there are few limits to what a human being can do to survive, and even fewer limits to what a Commando can do to get candy to fuel new missions with energy to spare.

Clip art courtesy of DailyClipArt.net

When Commando is King

Never let them see you brush your teeth.

Though the Commando creed is “Do as much as you can, as often as you can,” there are some vital exceptions, whereby keeping Mom doing certain things for you means keeping her in a subservient role, and shortening the time until you are promoted and take over basecamp as Commander.

Take getting ready for bed…please! Commandos don’t want any part of it. Baths are like torture, and washing one’s own self like forced cleanicide.

Every Commando should take note that the supersonic soundwaves emitted from his or her oral cavity are about 50 times as loud when bouncing off a porcelain bathtub, thereby rendering Mom deaf and immobilized—the perfect time for water artillery maneuvers (note to self, thank Grandma for the squirting whale toy, and dad for the squirt gun). In any case, the scream was justified, since Mom did, in fact, get one drop of water in your face while rinsing your hair, thereby violating the Geneva bath convention.

Now that the Commando has been released early from the tub, a little air-drying run through camp is always entertaining, and serves to postpone the donning of nightgear as mom tries to catch up to you to tell you to put on pajamas (good opportunity here to practice the battle skill of selective hearing, which will become even more important when you grow up and get married).

Putting on one’s own pajamas? The longer the smart Commando takes to find a clean pair of underwear, the longer the Commando stays up. If you’re lucky, you’ll be permitted after much cajoling, to go Commando if you’ll just PLEASE PUT YOUR PANTS ON!

But, the coup de grace, of course is teeth brushing—or the lack of. Remember, if you will, an early Commando lesson…

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…that describes how the Commando should never voluntarily open the mouth, a vital skill for hiding contraband objects and forbidden food after a no-no raiding party. It also applies to opening up the mouth to let adults—moms, doctors, or dentists—put anything unpleasant, noisy, or un-candy-like, into said mouth.

After mom has to force the Commando to open up and get the teeth brushed, she will likely be feeling guilty enough to offer a post-battle snack, or rocking chair storytime. If so, pick a loooong book, and be sure to demand a second reading, thereby delaying lights out further, and dominating completely mom’s evening.

It’s great to be King.

Vacation maneuvers

Okay, Commandos, having Mom home for a little extra “cuddle time” this week doesn’t mean you should rest on your sixes and get all squishy from eating candy canes.

A Commando must always take advantage of sugar-fueled energy bursts and rare opportunities to stay up late to practice some advanced maneuvers at home base.

Following are a few readily executable vacation drills that will keep you—and Mom—ready for action.*

Fox hole construction drill

Remove all the blankets from Mom’s bed, pile them up on top of an empty laundry basket (if the basket is full of clean, folded laundry, be sure to dump it out first), and hide a cache of weaponry and plush infantrymen inside.

Efforts should be made to complete this maneuver as quickly as possible, as the fox hole could otherwise be reverted to bedding for naptime if Mom catches you.

Unfriendly territory drill

This New Year’s maneuver will give you practice creating unfriendly territory to turn back threats to your monopoly on Mom’s time (aka visitors), and will give Mom good practice with a search and rescue mission on the front lines.

To execute: Wait until Mom is slightly distracted—well, deluded—into thinking she can read for 10 minutes. While she’s preoccupied, take out all of your toys, old and new. Place randomly on floor, on stairs, in bedroom, draped over lamps.

Dress up in your sheriff’s outfit, and as sweetly as you can, ask the distracted commander if you can “borrow” her keys to lock up some bad guys. Trust me, she can’t resist a commando in sheriff’s clothing—she’ll even put the keys on your belt for you.

Lock up the bad guys, then hide the keys under your blanket so the bad guys can’t escape.

Forget where you put the keys.

Be sure to do this drill vigorously, because you’ll only get one shot at it!


Stare-down drill

Sometimes it’s important to take a few minutes to test the strength of Mom’s resolve, just to see if she’s ready to hand over command of the camp yet.

To put on the stare-down pose, place hands on hips, furrow brows, and purse lips into a small, tight line.

To put on the stare-down mentality, think of all the things Mom has not executed properly over the course of the vacation: she gave you pajamas for Christmas (high treason!); she cooked your ham too brown for breakfast this morning (she’s trying to poison you!); and when she took you roller skating for your first time, you fell on your bottom—hard (she should have broken your fall with her own body)! These things would not have happened if you were in charge!

Take that resolve and that pose, and stare Mom right in her unfit commander eyes at the end of a long day.

If she doesn’t break her return stare readily, repeat the following mantra over and over until she does: You’re a bad mommy. I don’t love you.

Practice this drill enough, and you’ll soon be either running the show while Mom lets Calgon take her away, or you’ll have found a new way to hit the racks early.

If you get sent to bed early, you’ll still have won, when Mom tries to go out for a drink, and has no idea whatsoever where her keys are.

*These maneuvers have been personally tested at Camp Gustafson this week. This does not mean they have been deemed “safe,” but they have been deemed doable. The commando kid motto is “Do as much as you can, as often as you can.”